Confessions of an ‘Almost Mom’

by starleewhite

White_Star_22

My sweet baby girl (pictured above) is just 1 month away from making her appearance in the world. This simultaneously excites me beyond reason and terrifies me to no end.

On one hand all the preparation, dreams, prayers, hopes, and effort put into preparing for her arrival will finally be done and we can just enjoy our little girl! I will finally get to see her face for the first time, nurse her, and wrap her up in my arms. This precious hiccupping squirming bundle in my belly will be able to be held by her daddy. These are the moments I’ve been dreaming of for MONTHS!

Then why, oh why, with only 4 weeks to go has this fear crept in? I’m starting to doubt myself. Can my body really do this (we are having a natural birth)? What if something goes horribly wrong? Can I handle the pain? Will she be healthy? Have I thought of all the possibilities? What if our nurse is mean? Is the nursery ready? Do I really need those scratch mitten things I see on in all newborn pics these days? How will my dog react? What if my house isn’t clean when people start coming over to meet her?

So many questions and so many doubts. This is my first baby and everything is the unknown. I can hear the wise woman who have gone before me saying, ‘Breath, everything will be just fine’. In my heart of hearts I believe this and truly I’ve been confident in my pregnancy thus far. But as the due date draws near, this is all starting to feel so ‘real’. No turning back. I don’t want to turn back.

I know what I must do…keep my eye on the goal. My sweet Flora Lee. Even saying her name brings tears to my eyes. I love her so much. Surely meeting her will be the best day of my life so far. Seeing her face will wash away all these wandering worrisome thoughts.

The words of Psalm 139 bring me comfort:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Advertisements